Do you remember the first time you were punished as a kid? Most of us got a wack on the bottom for going too close to the road or having a tantrum in the store but I remember behaving very badly one Christmas and Mom and Dad sent me to my room. And you know what? Christmas went on despite my absence. My brothers and sisters didn’t seem to notice and my folks had no remorse for banishing me. The worst part? I could hear the party going on without me. I don’t remember how long I was upstairs in my room but I do remember Mom eventually coming to get me and I had to apologize for my behavior. Seven-year-olds generally don’t like to apologize, but that was the deal. And the lesson stuck…for 50 years now.
We have developed the notion that consequences for misbehavior, bad choices or even life choices should be minimal if not non-existent. We forgive student loans even though adults took them out; we mitigate prison sentences despite whatever harm some criminals have caused others. What was once considered obesity, a straight path to diabetes and heart disease, has become an alternative life-style to be celebrated lest we offend somebody. I could go on, but the truth is, the more we mitigate consequences for ourselves, our kids and others, the harder it is for people to grow up and live in a functional society.
I learned very early in the military that my actions or inaction had a direct impact on others. This makes sense because poor judgement can mean lost lives in war, so you’d better teach that lesson early. I’ll never forget the time I cost my basic training flight - 30 guys - a town liberty pass because I had mustard on my sleeve during a uniform inspection. The reason the punishment was so harsh was because I was one of four squad leaders. One of my responsibilities was to ensure we were all ready for inspection and yet, my lack of attention to detail led to everyone’s punishment. And believe me, nobody let me forget it until graduation day. The lesson here was very clear; it’s not all about you.
Consequences are vital to effective martial arts training. Most “old school” karate guys like me tell stories about the times they came late to class, maybe hungover or just failed to demonstrate the proper discipline for a dojo. It typically resulted in everybody doing endless drill until one or more people puked. I remember in Japan, a fellow GI showed up to our aikido dojo claiming to have a black belt in the art. Sensei didn’t ask to see any paperwork; instead, he told the guy to get dressed and join us for class. It was painfully embarrassing to see that his hakama, the black skirt pants worn in several Japanese martial arts, was about three inches too short. Then we started doing the typical warm-up which included ukemi; forward and backward rolls. Well, this dude did not know how to roll, a very basic skill for a supposed black belt. So we did rolls…the entire hour and half of class. He never came back but the lesson was meant for all of us; never brag about your martial arts skills and, have the ability to back up the belt you wear. I’ve used similar methods in my dojo. I’m also not afraid to put a little more power into a punch or kick against a student who likes to “test the waters” once in a while and goes a too hard with me when it’s inappropriate to do so. Instead of asking them to “watch their control,” I just let them know what happens if they don’t. Same thing happened to me.
Consequences are vital for effective faith. Contrary to mainstream Christian theology, God is in favor of using consequences as a learning tool. That’s why Hell is a real place. A lot folks I know say they don’t understand the God of the Old Testament but if you listen to them for a few minutes, what they really don’t grasp or don’t want to grasp is punishment. The Israelites didn’t walk around the desert for 40 years because they were on a tour; that happened because they failed to heed the message. And by the way, if you think Jesus is going to fist-bump us and wink at our infidelity, dishonesty and general mocking of his character, you might want to read a little deeper. The Jesus of Revelation, the last book of the Bible, is not exactly the sandy-haired, blue eyed dude we see depicted in art. There is always more to the story.
Consequences are vital to an effective marriage. The concept of “open marriage” exists solely because people don’t want to be burdened with shame. The idea of marriage and monogamy has lost most of its value because we simply don’t like feeling the outcome of shame and guilt for our unwillingness to hold fast to a promise. You know, that promise; to love (with your heart, mind and body) one person as long as you both live no matter what happens, through rough times and great times. Through sickness and in health. Through cancer. People walk away from marriage because they never learned, through consequences, how their decisions effect so many others. And how those decisions eventually come back around.
Consequences are vital to raising children. You simply cannot teach a child responsibility if there are no consequences for their actions. Life is hard. If you want your children to have the ability to “dodge the sword” or to put up a fight when they need to, you have to give them responsibility and then come down hard, sometimes like hammer, if they fail to maintain that responsibility. I was hard on my kids, some times too hard. But I always knew what was in store for them when they got older and I wanted them to be prepared. That only happens with discipline and discipline only happens when there are consequences. I’m grateful that my sons understand the discipline they grew up with came from a place of love.
I feel a little uneasy around people who are completely content all the time. If you are unhappy with your situation or, maybe unhappy with yourself, then be glad. God is probably trying to push you a little bit. Maybe it's time you went back to school, took your health seriously or changed the group you hang out with. Perhaps you need to read more and binge-watch less. Be a better friend. Listen more, talk less. We usually know when we need to change something.
Consequences aren’t always punishment but almost always provide a path for growth.
Dave Magliano
Tatsu Dojo
Jissenkan Budo
Dojo Cho
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