One of the best life lessons the military gave me was the ability to deal with bad situations. My wife and kids had to learn this as well because they were along for the ride. A long time ago we left picturesque Colorado Springs and went to my new assignment at Cannon AFB in Clovis, New Mexico…a flat, brown, hot little town permeated by the wondrous smell of stockyards and 100 miles from anywhere. Not exactly a garden spot. To make matters worse, we were poor. Like a lot of young couples we knew at the time, we hadn't planned on having a family so soon. Terri quit her job so that she could be a stay-at-home mom and I was not making much as a young buck sergeant. We were on WIC and eligible for food stamps. There were times we had to put groceries on a credit card. It was bad.
It’s easy to feel sorry for yourself in situations like that and yes, it did cause the occasional argument or two. Bases like Cannon weren’t exactly on any recruiting posters I’d seen back in the day. But you have a choice; you can either sit and feel sorry yourself or learn how to deal with it. I was a husband and father to two young boys, so I had to grow up and deal with it. I sold the jeep we bought before the kids came along, started looking for part-time work and studied my butt off trying to make it to the next rank. I road my bicycle to work on the back roads through the stockyards whenever I could to save money. Eventually it all turned around, but not until I resigned myself to the fact that our situation was nobody's fault and even it if it was, it wouldn't change where we were then. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t quick, but life got better. You have to learn how to deal with things the way they are, not how you'd like them to be.
It is my firm belief that a martial arts dojo should teach the same lesson, especially if that school teaches children. One of the reasons I do not have children's classes currently is because I don’t think parents could handle seeing their kids without patches, trophies and pats on the back every class. Somewhere along the way, it was no longer considered love to allow your children to suffer things like scrapes and bruises, bullying, disappointment, embarrassment and God forbid, name calling. Sheltering kids from real life has a tendency to produce adults who can’t handle it when things go south. And folks like this don’t last long in our dojo. It’s not that I try to be mean or disrespectful. I’m just honest. “This is going to be hard…really hard. You will get busied and bloodied once in a while. Your progress will seem slow if not non-existent from time to time. If black belt is your goal, that’s going to be five or more years from now. No trophies, no points for for showing up. But hey, that’s life…it’s just the way it is. Learn how to deal with all these things and you will gain far more than the ability to defend yourself.”
I did my best to teach this lesson to my kids, especially when we had to move away from their friends and their schools to some new place. The military was my job and it was how I put food on the table. And when they were bullied, felt disappointment or God forbid, when people called them names, the message was the same. “That’s just the way it is…so do something about it.” Love your kids as best you can and tell them often. But don't grow them up believing that they are too special and too unique for all of the negative things that can happen in life. Even though it hurts you probably more than them, let them suffer once in awhile and teach them to deal with it. Anything less robs them of any chance of real maturity.
Anyway…
When Terri was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, we were scared, shocked and of course, upset beyond reason. Our life together, the life we had planned and earned through many years of sacrifice and devotion to one another was suddenly up on a chopping block. We felt slighted by God…at lest I did and we went through the phases of shock, despair, anger and eventual acceptance that everyone with cancer goes through. Her odds of survival were poor at best but we dealt with it as team, the way we had learned to deal with everything else. There were rough times and happy times. And life didn’t stop just because of a cancer diagnosis. And when she realized her fight was over and it was time for hospice, she accepted it and expected me to do the same. Because, that’s just the way it is. It's not giving up or giving in; it is merely understanding what you must do.
And now my fiancé, Kim, has a cancer diagnosis. A different form, a treatable form but still a long road ahead. And we went through the phases of shock, despair, anger and eventual acceptance…that everyone with cancer goes through. Kim will survive this, but our life together, the one we both hoped and prayed for, the one that we’ve earned through our individual share of trouble and pain has to be put on hold for while so we can deal with this. And she has so far, bravely, faithfully and not without humor. Tough, resilient lady.
Admittedly, my first conversation with God after Kim’s diagnosis was not pleasant. Nor have many of the ones that have followed and most assuredly, the ones He and I will have in future. But in my mind, perhaps my soul, I hear God’s response:
“Where in my book do you read anything about life being fair? Every saint, every apostle, every person I chose to tell my story has suffered. I gave you a life with everything in it; everything, including joy, sorrow, laughter, fear, prosperity, war, contentment, disease. Why would I do this? So that you can know the difference. So that you have the freedom to chose. So, chose well. And until it’s time for you to come home, I want you to learn how to lean on me during the rough times and celebrate with me during the good times. Because that’s life; that's just the way it is.”
Our dojo has always been the best place I can provide; from the tiny two-car garage to our new and improved three-car garage. There are no frills; no bathrooms, no juice bars, not a lot of places to sit and watch. Most of our equipment is well-used or hand-made. This is the first year we've had any real heat in winter. People often have to park in the grass. It's the best I can do right now, but that's ok; it's just the way it is. But hey, you can come here, get in some really good shape, learn about yourself, make new friends and learn some realistic self-defense skills. You'll sweat a lot, you'll be disappointed and frustrated. But you'll learn and laugh a lot, too. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Dave Magliano
Tatsu Dojo
Jissenkan Budo
Dojo Cho
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