Working in a nursing home for 10 years had a tremendous impact on me as a person and a medical professional. I remember thinking a long time ago that I would never want to work in a place like that and never planned to. Of course, as we all know, God laughs when we make plans. Anyway, you see the world much differently in that environment. And no matter what your role is, if you do some type of direct patient care, you inevitably work a lot with life-long victims. People who had some kind of tragedy that affected them mentally and/or physically and they never got over it.
Now, “getting over it” is a relative term, for sure. You never really get over physical or psychological trauma. But I’ve met quite a few people who not only allow their past life experiences to define them, but wear it like a badge of honor. These folks tend to latch on to anyone willing to give them attention. Even as a seasoned therapist, I got sucked in more than once thinking that I was going to have an impact on someone’s life. Truth is, a lot “victims” don’t want to heal.
But I saw this type of behavior long before I started working in nursing. Let’s take a moment to define victim: “a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident or other event or action.” Oxford Dictionary. I don’t know of anyone who has gone through life without having one bad thing happen to them. And I’m sure we all know of at least one person who suffered something physically or mentally traumatic that altered the course of their life.
However…a traumatic event, a poor life choice or even humble beginnings do not have to define a person’s life unless he or she wants it to. And there are plenty of examples of folks who’ve survived something horrible and thrived without using their experience as a crutch. Rather, they overcame it, learned from it and moved on.
The “life-long victim” (LLV) is a person who realizes there is much to be gained from the sympathy and compassion of others. They often live an attention-seeking life and somehow see themselves as a hero, constantly "battling" their past. Eventually this scenario becomes their narrative and they want everyone to know their story. Typically, it happens within the first five minutes of meeting an LLV. They demand to be treated differently than others in similar situations whether it is more drugs, more money, more attention or more status. And oh, how they hate when you begin to question their behavior.
LLVs use emotional weapons such as guilt, anger, depression or rage to get their way. It’s hard to argue with someone who lives in a constant state of pain or emotional anguish…unless you have had similar things happen in your own life. And your crap can never be as bad or as hard as their crap. We’ve all met people like this, right? And we’re stuck in the uncomfortable space of wanting to empathize and help and wanting to find someone else at the party.
I’m not trying to be a jerk, here. I’m only pointing this out because it seems to me that I see this type of behavior more and more in our society and it bothers me. It should bother you too. It’s part of what divides us.
The antithesis of the LLV is the person who has equally suffered some form trauma or tragedy and eventually (not right away) learns to deal and cope with it by employing a “shit happens” attitude. We’ll call them, warriors. It’s not that warriors do not feel pain or do not suffer. Nor have they avoided similar paths as an LLV. Warriors just figure out that ultimately they cannot change a second of their past. They may think about it a lot, stew over it, regret some things. But warriors understand that the only thing they really have control over is their actions in the next moment and that those actions will define the past they reflect on later.
Warriors own their pain, their grief, their habits and their behavior. Warriors own their lives. From time to time, they seek and require help from others to get over a rough patch. And that’s totally ok. But ultimately, warriors understand their best friend and worst enemy is the person they see in the mirror every day.
I’ve been humbled by warriors I’ve met throughout my experiences in the military, in medicine and in martial arts. People with far more guts and tenacity than I ever had who serve as an inspiration to others. Not because they put on a show or try to draw attention to themselves; rather, they choose to live differently. They own their lives and their circumstances. Warriors do not alibi and have no need of drama; nor do they suck the life out of the room. On the contrary, warriors unconsciously attract and draw people in.
The world is often not a nice place and life can be harsh. No one goes from birth to death without pain and suffering. How we deal with it makes all the difference for ourselves and the people around us.
Dave Magliano
Tatsu Dojo
Jissenkan Budo
Dojo Cho
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