I participated in my first Retreat ceremony on the third day of basic training. It was a crisp November evening in Texas and there was a fragrance in the air, a mixture of rain, sagebrush and brand-new OD Green uniforms. Retreat is a melancholy song played on a single bugle; a practice that has roots back to the crusades. You’ve undoubtedly heard it at funerals and other appropriate events. I remember that night because our training instructor had us remain at “attention” afterwards and said something like this: “Do you know that song is, boys?” He was a Texan. “That song is about freedom, about remembering your brothers in arms who died protecting what you got and now they’re passing that job onto you.” There you go, Respect 101. Remembering and being in awe of those who gave everything for the protection of freedom. Real freedom; the freedom to choose, to speak your mind, to live where you want. The freedom to be successful…the freedom to fail.
That’s pretty heavy for a 19-year-old but I’m happy that I was cognizant enough to understand. It was probably one of the first times I was taught respect outside of my family circle. During my military career, I learned a lot about respect; I may not have liked everyone, but had to respect the rank they earned. I treated guys in physical therapy coming back from places like Afghanistan, who had been through hell in combat situations. Most of the time, no matter how banged up they were, they wanted to go back to their unit. Any time I went up in a helicopter as medic support, I was amazed at the skill and professionalism of the pilots and crew. The language wasn’t always church worthy and flight crews tend to give each other and everybody else a hard time, but there was always respect. The definition of respect, is “a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities or achievements.” Let that sink in. Respect is supposed to be a reaction - not a given.
Respect is earned. It’s not an entitlement, nor is it ever supposed to be an expectation. I have trouble believing that America was founded on the notion that individual choice had to be respected. I think the original idea was, “You do you and I’ll do me and we’ll basically leave each other alone.” The job of the government is to protect that freedom. And as long as your choices don’t affect freedom as a whole or place others in danger, then go about your way. I don’t have to like it and I don’t have to approve. And, I have the right to speak my opinion. And you have the same rights, indeed. That privilege, to speak our minds, has been bought and paid for many times over in blood and sacrifice. Lest we forget.
One of the misunderstood aspects of traditional martial arts, especially in the west, is respect. Some students expect it, some instructors demand it. For example, words like sensei, shinhan, master, etc., are all terms that were bestowed on teachers because of their actions and achievements in the pursuit of their given art. Whenever someone refers the themselves as “sensei,” my respect meter goes down. You don’t get it. None of my teachers in Japan ever introduced themselves this way. It is a verbal honor for a person who clearly and consistently demonstrates skill and passion for an art you are attempting to learn. They’ve been places you have not been and have persisted long enough to have skills you do not have. The thing is, they don’t expect you to acknowledge it. It happens naturally. Of course, there are cultural presidents one should follow and just like the military, rank has its place. But if you take pride in being a certain degree of black belt and stopped learning and challenging yourself...well, you don't understand the term, sensei. And you won't have my respect. In martial arts, respect is a two-way street; hopefully, I have earned your respect as a teacher. If you show up when you can, do the best you and are not afraid to fail and try again, you have my respect. Simple.
Part of the issue is that we have become so concerned as to whether or not someone likes or appreciates us that our fragile feelings are devastated when they don’t. Instead of expecting others to “respect” you, try putting in the work to make life changes. Start working out, getting fit, lifting weights, etc. Learn how to fight or at least defend yourself, eat better, read more, binge-watch less. Do the things that others are too lazy or afraid to do and learn how to deal with failure. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Get used to being sore, to getting hurt physically and emotionally once in a while. Get used to disappointment. Then, get up and go do it again. But for pity's sake, don’t expect us to like or respect you just because you show up. Don't expect me to clap my hands for you because you've decided that being unhealthy, for example, is just your way of life. I cannot respect that.
The outcome of a path of enlightenment and self-discovery is confidence. Enlightenment is a painful and life-long process. You can’t get enlightenment from reading a book or watching a podcast. You won’t get enlightenment from sermon or a motivational speech. All of these are great things, but you must act on what you hear, see and read. Enlightenment is not passive. And from this path you gain confidence, self-assurance, freedom, and eventually, respect. But you have to walk the path and not be concerned when others don’t get it. Doesn’t matter; it’s your path and yours alone. Walk it consistently and intentionally. Do your best every day to live up to your full potential. We all have potential. Never stop seeking yours.
Dave Magliano
Tatsu Dojo
Jissenkan Budo
Dojo Cho
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