As most of you know, I'm a rather conservative gent; not brought up in a bubble by any means. For example, my folks were fluid in the language of profanity and I say that with a great deal of respect. If you watch just about any movie these days, "bad words" are strewn together in conversations like so many musical notes without an appropriate rest. Not my Mom and Dad; there really is an art to knowing just how and where to place just the right word. And we weren't restricted as to what we could watch on television, which means I was immersed in what is now considered masculine toxicity. Men, and women to some degree, were portrayed as strong, perhaps overbearing and promiscuous at times, but at the end of the day, heroes for the most part. Able to take on whatever life threw at them and push through. Tough.
Toughness is a learned skill; nobody jumps out of the womb and struts to the incubator. It is an aspect of our development, a learned behavior whether that comes from loving parents and guardians, or through necessity. Referring back to my earlier statement, I grew up in a loving home; I know that I was blessed and fortunate. Many are not and have to acquire the ability to handle life or be swallowed up by it. That kind of upbringing often leads people to a very different world view than most of us have. But growing up in the streets, I think you either learn to be a wolf or a lamb. Sadly, the life expectancy for each is often all too short. But there are people who have the ability to rise above their circumstances and break free. Allow me to tell you about someone I know.
My friend, Danielle, grew up in harsh circumstances that often lead many to a life of pain and disappointment. When I met her, Danielle was a very shy, quiet young lady, trying to raise a child on her own. She spoke little of her past, but on the few conversations she would engage in, there were hints of what she had, and perhaps was still going through. I was fortunate to watch her blossom over the years, slowly but surely becoming more confident, more of the person she was destine to be. Now, a respected therapist with a Master's degree, a loving mother who, with her husband, has created a loving home. A home with rules and expectations. Some day, her kids are going to look back and realize just how tough Danielle really is. And like those of us who have the honor of knowing her, they will be humbled.
If you make it through enough life, you realize one very crucial fact; the world is often a cold, violent and nasty place. And, there are some harsh realities. In every culture, there are cruel and inhumane people who will stop at nothing to get what they want. People who have no sense of kindness or compassion, no appreciation for life other than their own. If you want to survive and thrive in this world, you have to learn to be tough. To develop physical, mental and spiritual tenacity. You have to learn how to take a punch before you can throw one; you have to learn how to fall before you throw someone down. As I have mentioned in a previous post, you have to take the hits. Can you see the theme here? The art of toughness begins with humility. Toughness without humility is nothing more than bravado and arrogance. The small sliver of truth behind the phrase, masculine toxicity. However, just because a person shows themselves to be confident and capable, it doesn't mean they are, let's be honest, a toxic male. There's a disconnect there somewhere.
Knowing of the world my kids would enter into, I decided a long time ago to do my best to teach them how to be tough. I was harsh some times; I made them do things they didn't always want to do, like martial arts training on a Saturday morning. I pushed them, by some standards a little too much. I made damn sure they respected their mother; a boy who grows up without respect for his mom will not respect any of the women who come into his life. We played hard and there were times when they got hurt. We had trampolines without a net and some times they fell off. "Get up, you're fine. You're still breathing." When their mom wasn't looking, I let them ride bikes without a helmet. If you bubble-wrap your kids, I can guarantee you they will never learn how to be tough. Like I said, toughness starts with humility; the knowledge of pain and injury is the knowledge of humility.
There are not too many places left where the average person is allowed to demonstrate or grow their toughness. Many martial arts studios advertise confidence, self-defense and self-assurance. And yet, there is little or no physical contact. Certainly no bruises or risk of major injury. And if there is any form of sparring, people are padded up from head to toe - bubble-wrapped - so that nobody gets hurt or sued. Well friends, you won't find that here. That's because toughness begins with humility. So, you will get hit a lot; you will get bruised and sore from taking lots and lots of falls. Your ego will get battered because you simply will not be able to do this stuff right away. And every day, you are presented with a choice; to stay or seek comfort. To persist, or to tell yourself you don't need any of this crap. As a very dear friend of mine once said, "The door swings both ways."
Do yourself a favor...stick it out. If not here, then somewhere. Find a place and/or a person who challenges you, who doesn't let you off the hook. You need it. We all need it. Take the hits and remember, bravery and toughness are not the absence of fear, but the ability to handle whatever fear brings with it. And, you can. Don't give up.
Dave Magliano
Tatsu Dojo
Jissenkan Budo
Dojo Cho
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