I was part of something today that I have been a part of once before; a woman I love had the chance to ring the bell. The bell...As far as I know, every chemo infusion center in the US has a bell fixed in the center of the room for those who complete the entire course of treatment...months, some times a year or more. Not everyone gets to ring the bell.
Allow me to give you the layman's definition of chemotherapy: a concoction of poisonous chemicals designed to eradicate a covert and cunning enemy; cancer. I hate cancer. I don’t use the word “hate” very often, but if cancer were a man, I’d hunt his slimy ass down and kick the shit out of him until there was nothing left but a greasy, little spot. Cancer robs people of happiness, joy, contentment…life. I hate cancer.
But I speak from the prospective of a weak and fearful man. A man who has not had to face his own mortality…not like that, anyway.
My first wife, Terri, fought cancer for almost four years. She had ovarian cancer and by the time we caught it, the bastard was all over the place. And Terri put up one hell of a fight; two invasive surgeries, two rounds of chemotherapy lasting six months. A couple of experimental drug trials. But she never gave up and never gave in. My best friend. Mother of the children I love so dearly. My partner. My wife. Women I planned to grow old with and die before her...
We Christians occasionally placate ourselves by saying and accepting condolences that talk about “God’s timing.” But if we are honest, we’re not really sure we understand what that means. It’s a polite way to extricate ourselves from an uncomfortable conversation.
And now, years later, I witnessed my second wife, Kim, ringing the bell. Kim…my “missing piece.” Kim…who walked me through the dark depths of grief and everything that goes with it. Kim, who gave new purpose to my life. Kim, with an infectious spirt of kindness and warmth. She wants nothing more than to sit on the porch with me and have a cup of coffee…or wine, depending on the time of day. Kim…who would have been Terri’s best friend. A different type of cancer, completely different outcome and odds. We (they) caught it early and with the love and support of her friends and coworkers at Christ Hospital..the doctors, nurses, MAs, everybody…everyone that we cannot begin to thank…she rang the bell today. Similar grit, same tenacity…same faith in God and Christ. But uniquely her own.
Why God continues to bless a wretched man like me with such strong, loving and courageous women, I don’t know. May I speak plainly? I don't deserve it. The only appropriate words to express how I feel are humility, fear...and love.
Kim rung the bell today to signify the completion of a long and arduous journey. Anyone who has completed this journey knows that it’s not over. The patient and the family live with the knowledge that it can return. Therein lies the gift and the curse.
Facing death or the death of those we hold so dear, allows us to experience the fullness of life. We chase after superfluous pursuits only to miss the beauty of the single daisy in the field on a warm Spring day. Stop and enjoy the daisy. Smell the fresh bread. Stand with your husband or your wife and kids out in the cold snow and enjoy the Christmas lights adorning your home. Soak in the moments you have with a friend over a beer at the pub...or the kitchen table. Hold your kids tight and don't lament over one more bedtime story. The stories end sooner than you think. There comes a day when you wish you could tell one more story.
Your kids are young for a moment. Don’t waste it. Your wife, your husband…God’s gift to you. Laugh, love and enjoy what ya got. For God's sake...for your sake...tell her. Tell him. Don’t waste it. Whatever petty grievances you have…each moment could be the last moment. The words you wish you would have said. Don’t…Waste…Time.
“God, your plans are incomprehensible to me. Their total number is countless. If I tried to count them — they outnumber the rains of sand. If I came to the very end — I’d still be with you.” Psalm 139.10-18.
Dave Magliano
Tatsu Dojo
Jissenkan Budo
Dojo Cho
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